Dearest Srila Prabhupada: Please accept my humble obeisances in the dust of your lotus feet. All glories to You!

On this solemn occasion of your disappearance day, my heart overflows with gratitude and devotion as I reflect on the profound impact you have had on my life. Your teachings, steeped in the timeless wisdom of our tradition, continue to be the guiding light of my spiritual journey. The personal mandate you gave me to “preach boldly and have faith in the holy names” resonates with every beat of my heart and in every step of my travels around the world.

For over 50 years, I, alongside my beloved godbrothers and godsisters have endeavored to carry your message to the far reaches of the globe. The “Festival of India”, the Sadhu Sanga Kirtan retreat, and the annual Rishikesh Kirtan Fest represent some of my humble offerings to the grand tapestry of your global mission. Through these endeavors, I strive to fulfill your desire to spread Krishna consciousness far and wide.

By your grace, I have felt your presence at every step of my spiritual life, including on the darkest day of all – the day you left this world. Yet, even amidst that immense sorrow, almost miraculously, I felt that you were not far away, for you had prepared me for that moment from the infancy of my spiritual life. In 1971, after your visit to our Detroit temple, I wrote a letter to you wherein I expressed that I was missing you. Two weeks later, I received your gracious reply. You wrote:

“I can understand your feelings of separation, for I am also missing my Guru Maharaja. But I feel he is always watching over and protecting me.”

I held that letter to my heart the day we heard you had left us. It gave me great solace then and continues to do so to this very day.

Srila Prabhupada, as the years go by, all that I thought was mine has begun to fade away, even memories of the distant past. Nevertheless, one emotion deep within the inner recesses of my heart steadfastly endures and grows ever stronger, oblivious to the passing of time – and that is my deep feelings of separation from you. How can I escape such feelings in my old age, when in youth you so kindly granted me your mercy? Once, in firm appreciation for a menial service I rendered to you, you said to me:

“So much endeavor in this material world, but when I take you home – to the spiritual world – everything will be easy and sublime.”

Srila Prabhupada, my own disciples have heard me repeat your benediction a million times over, but even repeating it a million more times will never be enough. Any other benediction in the fourteen worlds pales in comparison to the one you bestowed upon me that day.

Once, in 1976, as you sat on the lawn surrounded by your disciples in New Mayapur in France, I asked you: “If a pure devotee sees Krsna everywhere, how is Lord Caitanya, in the role of a devotee, feeling so much separation from him?”

You replied, “Yes, He is praying how you can become mad without seeing Krsna. That is the highest stage. It cannot be explained. But when you gradually go higher and higher you will understand.”

Srila Prabhupada, now in the twilight of my life, I desperately want to “go higher and higher” to understand and realize the deeper mellows of Krsna consciousness. In fact, this is why I now spend more time here in Vrindavan “just wandering,” as you once instructed a disciple who had recently arrived in this transcendental abode. And this is also why I simultaneously continue with blissful, yet rigorous and demanding, preaching to the conditioned souls in this world. The formula you gave us is clear: “Work now, samadhi later.”

The relationship between preaching and residing in Vrindavan is confirmed in the words of Srila Prabodhananda Sarasvati in his epic Sri Caitanya Candramrita:

yatha yatha gaura padaravinde
vindeta bhaktim krta punya rasih
tatha tathot sarpati hrdya kasmad
radha padambhoja sudhambu rasih

“To the degree that we surrender to Lord Caitanya’s service, to that degree we acquire qualification for service to Radharani’s lotus feet in Vraja.” (Chapter 8, text 88)

With this in mind, I think the most significant realization that comes with old age is the awareness of the limited time remaining to achieve spiritual perfection. This urgency leads me to approach my spiritual practices with increased seriousness and focus. And if blessed with good health, I will continue to serve to the best of my capacity, trying to follow your example of preaching until my final breath.

Now as I traverse the later years of my life, the inevitable signs of aging make their presence known. Yet, each stage of life carries its own merits and challenges. For a devotee, old age bestows a unique blessing: the senses become weaker and subsequently, the desire for sense gratification lessens. What’s more, the spiritual knowledge that one studied in youth and applied in middle age, ripens into deep realization; jnana transforms into vijnana and becomes our most cherished possession:

na hi jnanena sadrisam
pavitram iha vidyate
tat svayam yoga samsiddhah
kalenatmani vindati

“In this world, there is nothing so sublime and pure as transcendental knowledge. Such knowledge is the mature fruit of all mysticism. And one who has become accomplished in the practice of devotional service enjoys this knowledge within himself in due course of time.” (Bhagavad-gita 4.38)

Srila Prabhupada, as I stand on the precipice of another year without your physical association, I am reminded of the immense responsibility that comes with being your disciple. The world, now more than ever, is in dire need of the profound wisdom you imparted, and I am committed to carrying the torch of your teachings with the same fervor and dedication that you displayed throughout your extraordinary life.

So today, on this forty-sixth observance of your disappearance day, I offer my heartfelt gratitude for your boundless mercy, unwavering guidance, and profound love. Your divine legacy lives on, and I am eternally indebted for the opportunity to serve at your lotus feet.

“Having accepted the renounced order of life my home is this Vrindavan forest. My bed is the soft dust of Vrindavan. The sky of Vrindavan is my blanket and the flowering creepers of Vrindavan are my only belongings. The moon over Vrindavan is the lamp of my hopes and my chanting beads are counting the days until I meet you again.”

Srila Prabhupada, I am and will forever be,

Your eternal servant,
Indradyumna Swami